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Domestic Violence-Part 4: How Can You Help – October 26th, 2009

If you know someone who you think is being abused by their spouse or partner,  here’s what you can do to help:

  1. Let them know you are worried about them and want to help. Don’t tell them what to do or try to take control of the situation.
  2. Don’t blame the victim, imply they did something to ‘bring it on,’ or tell them they are stupid for staying.  It’s hard to understand why people stay in abusive relationships – some common reasons are love, belief the abuse will change, self-blame, and fear that the abuse will get worse if they try to break it off.  But the worst thing you can do if you want to help is to reinforce the idea that they are to blame.
  3. Help them to reduce isolation. Abusers often cut their victims off from friends and family members. Tell them you’ll be there for them whether they decide to stay in the relationship or not.
  4. Connect them with a domestic violence advocate who can help them develop a safety plan. Call one of the numbers below to find out what resources are available in your area.

Finally, if you know someone who’s being abusive, do not look the other way. Confront the specific behavior, tell them you are willing to support their efforts if they are willing to get help for changing but will not support abuse, and do not accept excuses, justifications or victim-blaming. Call one of the numbers below to find out how to get help for the abusive person.

The Children’s Aid Society – Family Wellness Program 212-503-6842

NYC Domestic Violence Hotline 800-621-HOPE (4673)

National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-699-SAFE (TDD 800-787-3224)

National Teen Dating Violence Hotline 866-331-9474 (TDD 866-331-8453)

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Domestic Violence – Part 3: The Warning Signs of Domestic Violence – October 21st, 2009

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While every relationship is different, survivors of domestic violence have identified common characteristics and behaviors of abusive partners.  Knowing the warning signs can help you to avoid abusive relationships or identify abuse and get help for yourself or a friend/family member sooner.

If you recognize any of the warning signs below, consider calling the Family Wellness Program or one of the hotlines listed at the bottom of this page.

1. Extreme jealousy – when one partner wants to know who the other is with and what they are doing at all times, doesn’t trust them and might even accuse them of cheating for no good reason.

2. Isolation – when one partner wants the other all to him/herself, tries to cut them off from friends, family, and activities – might even insist they quit their job or school.

3.  Controlling behavior – when one partner tries to control the other by telling them what to do, how to dress, who to hang out with – or manipulates them into doing what they want.

4.  Fast-moving relationship – when a partner who comes on very strong, is an extreme “smooth talker” and wants to make major commitments very early in the relationship.

5.  Blaming – when one partner always seems to blame the other for his/her own behavior – “You made me do this.”

6.  History of abusive behavior – if someone has ever been abusive to a current or ex partner, a child or an animal; it is unlikely they will change without help.

7. Moodiness – someone with a “Jeckyl and Hyde” personality.

8. Put-downs – when one partner is constantly criticizing the other, putting them down and making them feel badly about themselves.

9. Entitlement – when someone believes they are entitled to be in charge or be catered to, because of gender or other reasons.

10. Intimidation and threats – when one partner uses threats or intimidating body language, punches walls or breaks things to intimidate the other.

How to get help:

The Children’s Aid Society – Family Wellness Program 212-503-6842

NYC Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-621-HOPE (4673)

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-699-SAFE or 1-800-787-3224 TTY

National Teen Dating Violence Hotline 1-866-331-9474 or1-866-331-8453 TTY

Kerry Moles, Children’s Aid Family Wellness Program, NYC

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Domestic Violence – Part 2: The Effect of Domestic Violence on Children – October 14th, 2009

It is estimated that at least 10 – 20% of American children are exposed to domestic violence in their homes. The effects on children vary widely. Some children are very resilient and continue to function in relatively healthy ways. But many children suffer from long-term effects.

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Children who see, hear or are aware of violence against at home are much more likely to get hurt themselves – either by getting hit directly or being ‘caught in the crossfire’ and hurt accidentally. Even when they are not hurt physically, they are usually hurt emotionally. They are much more likely to get in trouble for fighting with peers, do poorly in school, be diagnosed with learning disorders, attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder, or other mental health problems like depression or anxiety. As adolescents, they are at greater risk of substance abuse, dating violence, suicide, and a whole host of other social and emotional problems.

The cycle of violence in a family all too often repeats itself from generation to generation. And it impacts not only the family, but all of society, not only because of the cost in the health care and criminal justice arenas, but because those same child witnesses are more likely to grow up to commit not only intimate partner abuse, but many other forms of violence in the community.

If a child you know is being exposed to domestic violence, call one of the numbers below to find out how you can help:

The Children’s Aid Society – Family Wellness Program, 212-503-6842

NYC Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-621-HOPE (4673)

National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-699-SAFE (TDD 800-787-3224)

National Teen Dating Violence Hotline, 1-866-331-9474 (TDD 866-331-8453)

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1 Comment By Kerry

Macy’s at its Best! – October 12th, 2009

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Sorting and Cleaning Books for the Library

On September 28-29, over 200 corporate volunteers from Macy’s partnered with The Children’s Aid Society and The United Way to revitalize CAS’s Dunleavy Milbank Center in Central Harlem.  The project enabled Macy’s employees to select projects that interested them such as reading with our daycare students, refurbishing rooms, planting in the courtyard, exercising with our recreation participants, or reorganizing the library.

Macy’s participants were able to use their specific talents to enhance their work at Milbank; for example, members of Macy’s Design Team put their creativity to good use by designing, painting and decorating the multi-purpose room and the arts & crafts studio.

We are very grateful to Macy’s for contributing to The Children’s Aid Society in such a dynamic and hands-on fashion. Like all of our corporate volunteer projects, the two-day event was mutually beneficial for Macy’s and Children’s Aid— it gave volunteers the opportunity for fun and team-building and taught them about their city and provided Milbank with the needed resources for capital improvements and engaging activities for our after-school program. The Macy’s project breathed new life into our center—the Milbank staff and students were thrilled to have Macy’s visit!

For information how you or your company can get connected with volunteer opportunities, contact Scott McLeod at 212-381-1173.

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What Everyone Should Know About Domestic Violence – October 5th, 2009

This is the first in a series of blogs on domestic violence and healthy relationships, being initiated in honor of October’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  Check back weekly for upcoming blogs on The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children, Why People Abuse and Why Victims Stay, and other topics.

dv2105The Children’s Aid Society recognizes domestic violence, also known as relationship abuse or intimate partner abuse, as one of the most pressing issues facing children, families and communities today.  Most people know someone who has been abused or abusive, even if they are not aware of it.  It can devastate families, lead to lifelong problems for the children who witness it, and contributes to a wide range of violence in the community. That is why CAS is committed to providing both education to prevent abuse and services to help families impacted by it to find safety and heal from its effects.

Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Abuse is defined as a pattern in an intimate relationship in which one partner (spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, dating partner) attempts to gain or maintain power and control over the other.  Abusers may use physical, emotional, psychological, sexual and financial tactics to establish that control.

Children's Aid Society Anyone can be abused – this is an issue that cuts across race, culture, class, religion and sexual orientation, and teens as well as adults experience it.  The most important thing to remember is that NO ONE deserves to be abused. While victims are often convinced that they bring on the abuse themselves, this is never the case – a person who chooses to abuse someone else is always responsible for his or her own actions.

If you or someone you know is being abused or abusive, you should know that help is available. The first step is to call the Children’s Aid Society’s Family Wellness Program or one of the hotline numbers listed below. We will listen without judgment, give you information about your options, and help you figure out the next steps. All of our services are free and confidential.

Family Wellness Program     212-503-6842

NYC Domestic Violence Hotline      1-800-621-HOPE (4673)

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline  1-866-331-9474 | 1-866-331-8453 TTY

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The Children’s Aid Society Celebrates 75 years of Family Homemaker Program – September 4th, 2009

Since 1933, New York’s Children’s Aid Society has provided crucial support for families facing crises in their lives.  The Family Homemaker Program is a very specialized service that was established under the auspices of The Children’s Aid Society and the Junior League of New York to meet the needs of families facing urgent circumstances and the possibility of losing their children to foster care. Family Homemaker Program is celebrating 75 years of continuous service; the oldest such program still operating in the United States.

cas94The homemakers are certified Para-professionals, trained to take over care of the family’s children and help manage home life in times of upheaval, an important service for keeping families who live in Manhattan, Brooklyn and the Bronx. The families served are referred to The Children’s Aid Society through two New York City agencies: the Administration for Children’s Services and the Human Resources Administration. Currently, The Children’s Aid Society employs 125 homemakers, serving approximately 105 families with their 315 children daily.

Areas of service include:

Household Management – from helping with children and housework, to guidance and support for parents on better ways to run the house and constructively solve problems

Family Support Counseling – providing deeper emotional support and problem-solving on a broader scale, so that families receive comprehensive and coordinated support.

Advocacy – together, homemakers and social workers help families to access services for stability, perhaps connecting them to public assistance or public health insurance if they qualify.

Our homemakers uphold Charles Loring Brace’s philosophy: every child needs a strong family in order to thrive. Keeping children and families safe and together remains Children’s Aid’s Family Homemaker Program’s mission today. Here’s to the next 75 years!

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Keeping Kids on the Right Track The Children’s Aid Society’s Juvenile Justice Programs – August 26th, 2009

“Treat people as if they were what they ought to be,
and you help them become what they are capable of becoming.”
– Goethe

juvie_front826In New York, more than 2000 teens are released each year from incarceration within the juvenile justice system. These troubled young men and women face the formidable challenge of re-entering the community.  Most of these kids have been disappointed by adults throughout their young lives, so “trust” is something that doesn’t come easily for them.  Many are simply hopeless, angry and lost, having been failed by the system and people who were entrusted with their care.

At The Children’s Aid Society in NYC, we understand their plight and employ a holistic approach to providing these youths with the tools to help them develop into healthy, productive adults.

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Ana Bermúdez: The Children’s Aid Society Director - Juvenile Justice Programs

Our innovative Juvenile Justice Programs, under the skilled direction of Ana Bermúdez, focus on the key concept of helping each youth form a trusting, lasting relationship with an adult outside the family.  The relationship with their “Life Coach” is critical, as is the hope and confidence they gain by knowing that, at the Children’s Aid, we will always be there for them – no matter what.  No expiration date.

Through programs like Community Re-Entry, Neighborhood Youth Employment Program and PINS (Persons in Need of Supervision), the Children’s Aid Society’s unique approach builds onthe strengths of these young people,  encouraging them to create a positive plan for success. Our Educational Support and Functional Family yesmentor_climber826Therapy programs are fundamental to helping kids get back on track and reconnect with their families.  Our strengths-based approach does work.  These formerly disengaged youths become engaged, and as they transition into adulthood they return for guidance or just to keep in touch. Many have even gone on to work in the juvenile justice system – their way of giving back.

“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement.
Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.”
— Hellen Keller

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Mentoring Makes a Difference – August 14th, 2009

mentor cas1014

Image courtesy of setonyouthshelters.org

When you mentor, you don’t just serve; you join a movement. A few years ago, USA Today reported that, as baby-boomers become empty nesters and young adults join the ranks, mentoring is at an all-time high. At some agencies in New York, the ranks of mentors have as much as doubled.

Perhaps people are becoming mentors because they want to make a difference. The article notes that mentoring has a notable impact on key youth behaviors, including school attendance, drug and alcohol abuse and violence. The Educational Commission of the States has observed that mentoring can improve everything from self-esteem to eating disorders.

The broad and substantial impact of mentoring is becoming ever more critical to developing today’s children into tomorrow’s leaders and citizens. After all, the issues facing children – tobacco, drugs, violence, overeating and pregnancy – are becoming more severe and more common.

The Children’s Aid Society matches caring adults with children and youth to provide them with guidance, support, and encouragement. Providing career exploration and homework help, mentors may do everything from reading to playing sports. But The Children’s Aid Society can’t make these positive and lasting differences in children’s lives without the help of volunteers.

Lend a weekday evening or Saturday to a 9-18 year old today. Think of it as a way to repay those who’ve lent you time along the way.

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Children Among Hardest Hit by Recession – July 20th, 2009

The economic downturn makes the need for The Children’s Aid Society in New York more urgent than ever.

CBS News’ Children of the Recession series reports that child abuse is spiking, summer jobs for youth are more urgently needed and are becoming scarcer, and economic stress is hampering children’s performance in school. Perhaps most startlingly, it notes that one in 50 school-aged children is now homeless. Yet, as President Obama has reminded us via the Huffington Post “The homeless problem was bad even when the economy was good.”

The recession has not created issues like child homelessness – it has only made them more prevalent among the middle class.  According to the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities, Goldman Sachs predicts the unemployment rate will rise above 9 percent by the start of 2010, thrusting even more New York families and children into deep poverty, homelessness and worse. In harrowing first-hand accounts, ABC News tells the stories of such child victims of the recession in their own words.

Over the last 150 years, The Children’s Aid Society has served the most pressing needs of children through supportive housing services as well as emergency assistance, health services, health insurance enrollment, after-school and legal advocacy.  Now more than ever, your help is necessary. Volunteer or donate today.

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Mentoring Self Esteem and Building Success in Life with The Children's Aid Society in New York – July 17th, 2009

hoopEducators and parents agree that high self-esteem and respect for others helps youth accept responsibility for their actions, and take pride in their accomplishments. Positive self esteem in teens helps gives them control of their lives. Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D., a well known psychotherapist, defines self esteem as ‘being able to experience oneself as…coping with the challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness.’ That sounds a lot like Charles Loring Brace, the founder of New York City-based Children’s Aid Society, who believed that children had the right to a happy and productive life. Mentoring programs have proven to be especially helpful in fostering self-esteem.  Through mentoring, self esteem develops and responsibility for oneself, family and community follow.

Youth Empowerment for Success, or the YES Mentoring Program, was founded in New York in 1992 in conjunction with The Children’s Aid Society to address the needs of the adolescent males coming through the Family Court system. YES for Girls was created in 1997. The award-winning YES Program is a unique collaboration that addresses the educational, social and emotional needs of this at-risk population. By fostering pride and self-validation, YES mentors guide youth towards positive self-identity.

Healthy self-esteem is a child’s armor against the harsh challenges of the world. Kids and teens who feel good about themselves seem to have an easier time handling conflicts and resisting negative pressures. You can help kids become involved in this experience - YES is looking for energetic, committed men and women to be part of the YES team. For more information, click here.

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