1. Let them know you are worried about them and want to help. Don’t tell them what to do or try to take control of the situation.
2. Don’t blame the victim, imply they did something to ‘bring it on,’ or tell them they are stupid for staying.  It’s hard to understand why people stay in abusive relationships – some common reasons are love, belief the abuse will change, self-blame, and fear that the abuse will get worse if they try to break it off.  But the worst thing you can do if you want to help is to reinforce the idea that they are to blame.
3. Help them to reduce isolation. Abusers often cut their victims off from friends and family members. Tell them you’ll be there for them whether they decide to stay in the relationship or not.
4. Connect them with a domestic violence advocate who can help them develop a safety plan. Call one of the numbers below to find out what resources are available in your area.

Finally, if you know someone who’s being abusive, do not look the other way. Confront the specific behavior, tell them you are willing to support their efforts if they are willing to get help for changing but will not support abuse, and do not accept excuses, justifications or victim-blaming. Call one of the numbers below to find out how to get help for the abusive person.

The Children’s Aid Society – Family Wellness Program 212-503-6842

NYC Domestic Violence Hotline 800-621-HOPE (4673)

National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-699-SAFE (TDD 800-787-3224)

National Teen Dating Violence Hotline 866-331-9474 (TDD 866-331-8453)

While every relationship is different, survivors of domestic violence have identified common characteristics and behaviors of abusive partners.  Knowing the warning signs can help you to avoid abusive relationships or identify abuse and get help for yourself or a friend/family member sooner.

If you recognize any of the warning signs below, consider calling the Family Wellness Program or one of the hotlines listed at the bottom of this page.

1. Extreme jealousy – when one partner wants to know who the other is with and what they are doing at all times, doesn’t trust them and might even accuse them of cheating for no good reason.

2. Isolation – when one partner wants the other all to him/herself, tries to cut them off from friends, family, and activities – might even insist they quit their job or school.

3.  Controlling behavior – when one partner tries to control the other by telling them what to do, how to dress, who to hang out with – or manipulates them into doing what they want.

4.  Fast-moving relationship – when a partner who comes on very strong, is an extreme “smooth talker” and wants to make major commitments very early in the relationship.

5.  Blaming – when one partner always seems to blame the other for his/her own behavior – “You made me do this.”

6.  History of abusive behavior – if someone has ever been abusive to a current or ex partner, a child or an animal; it is unlikely they will change without help.

7. Moodiness – someone with a “Jeckyl and Hyde” personality.

8. Put-downs – when one partner is constantly criticizing the other, putting them down and making them feel badly about themselves.

9. Entitlement – when someone believes they are entitled to be in charge or be catered to, because of gender or other reasons.

10. Intimidation and threats – when one partner uses threats or intimidating body language, punches walls or breaks things to intimidate the other.

How to get help:

The Children’s Aid Society – Family Wellness Program 212-503-6842

NYC Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-621-HOPE (4673)

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-699-SAFE or 1-800-787-3224 TTY

National Teen Dating Violence Hotline 1-866-331-9474 or1-866-331-8453 TTY

Kerry Moles, Children’s Aid Family Wellness Program, NYC

Children who see, hear or are aware of violence against at home are much more likely to get hurt themselves – either by getting hit directly or being ‘caught in the crossfire’ and hurt accidentally. Even when they are not hurt physically, they are usually hurt emotionally. They are much more likely to get in trouble for fighting with peers, do poorly in school, be diagnosed with learning disorders, attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder, or other mental health problems like depression or anxiety. As adolescents, they are at greater risk of substance abuse, dating violence, suicide, and a whole host of other social and emotional problems.

The cycle of violence in a family all too often repeats itself from generation to generation. And it impacts not only the family, but all of society, not only because of the cost in the health care and criminal justice arenas, but because those same child witnesses are more likely to grow up to commit not only intimate partner abuse, but many other forms of violence in the community.

If a child you know is being exposed to domestic violence, call one of the numbers below to find out how you can help:

The Children’s Aid Society – Family Wellness Program, 212-503-6842

NYC Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-621-HOPE (4673)

National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-699-SAFE (TDD 800-787-3224)

National Teen Dating Violence Hotline, 1-866-331-9474 (TDD 866-331-8453)

The Children’s Aid Society recognizes domestic violence, also known as relationship abuse or intimate partner abuse, as one of the most pressing issues facing children, families and communities today.  Most people know someone who has been abused or abusive, even if they are not aware of it.  It can devastate families, lead to lifelong problems for the children who witness it, and contributes to a wide range of violence in the community. That is why CAS is committed to providing both education to prevent abuse and services to help families impacted by it to find safety and heal from its effects.

Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Abuse is defined as a pattern in an intimate relationship in which one partner (spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, dating partner) attempts to gain or maintain power and control over the other.  Abusers may use physical, emotional, psychological, sexual and financial tactics to establish that control.

Anyone can be abused – this is an issue that cuts across race, culture, class, religion and sexual orientation, and teens as well as adults experience it.  The most important thing to remember is that NO ONE deserves to be abused. While victims are often convinced that they bring on the abuse themselves, this is never the case – a person who chooses to abuse someone else is always responsible for his or her own actions.

If you or someone you know is being abused or abusive, you should know that help is available. The first step is to call the Children’s Aid Society’s Family Wellness Program or one of the hotline numbers listed below. We will listen without judgment, give you information about your options, and help you figure out the next steps. All of our services are free and confidential.

Family Wellness Program     212-503-6842

NYC Domestic Violence Hotline      1-800-621-HOPE (4673)

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline  1-866-331-9474 | 1-866-331-8453 TTY

Serving all 150,000 children, youths and families at Children’s Aid in NY, OPPCA provides a wide spectrum of integrated legal, social and educational services and programs, such as assistance with domestic violence, child support and custody, juvenile justice,teen rights, immigration issues, housing, landlord/tenant issues, low-income subsidies, credit and consumer counseling, and basic “know your rights” training.

OPPCA “guardian angels”: Back row, L to R, Katherine Eckstein, Cathleen Clements, Esq., Sharone Vaughn, Keyla Espinal, Front row, L to R, Johnnymae Williams-Gales, Lorena Jimenez-Castro, and Jessica Schachter.

Tapping the expertise and availability of the Children’s Aid’s dynamic staff of professionals and well-established programs in all 50 sites, the OPPCA works hard to stabilize families by protecting their rights and providing them with advocacy training, so that they will be empowered  to stand up for themselves.  In cases where litigation is inevitable, the OPPCA draws from a pool of over 25 pro bono lawyers to assist their clients with legal representation.

The concept of “family” is something that many of us take for granted.  The reality is that in New York City alone, there are hundreds of thousands of families in crisis. Many of them seek assistance from The Children’s Aid Society who, in turn, is totally committed to the preservation of family. Progressive programs such as Families with a Future help families to set and achieve lifelong goals, providing them with encouragement, skills and – above all – hope.